Gosh where to even start. Maybe I’ll start small, you’ll get to know me through my posts, I don’t want to scare you off 😉
So…I’m Daisy, pleasure to meet you. Myself and my husband Eoin and 5 boys stay in Culloden in the Highlands, the older boys literally have Highland cows across from the high school so we do feed into the cliche of Highland life a little I guess.
Eoin also has two amazing older daughters who stay just a little bit away so there’s a lot of us. I have a sign in my kitchen that says ‘adore the chaos’ which basically sums it up, the ‘adore’ part varies but the ‘chaos’ part is almost a guarantee.
So we are Daisy, Eoin, Amanda, Lauren, Caden, Jacob, Milo, Albie and Bhodi. Anddd breath!
That’s a lot of names I know, a lot of kids. But we are forever one missing now. Our house is now never full enough or busy enough. It never will be regardless of how many people pile in, cause we are missing a very important person. Our little boy Albie.
Albie was born on the 13th of April 2022, we had the best year with him. His brothers loved him, everyone loved him, we felt so content.
Then 1 year and 15 days after he was born I woke up to find my little boy not breathing. My perfectly healthy, happy son had went to bed that night and never woke up. There was no warning signs, no indication he’d not see the sunshine the next day, he was so well.
After a long wait filled with heart break, shock and fear (of all this unknown and the thought of not holding him again) we were told Albie had died of Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. I’d never even heard of it, SUDI yes, but I had just assumed now he was a big crawling babbling one year old he was safe.
I was wrong.
And here we are…over 2 years on, back at work, doing the school runs and paying the bills.
But now for me life has such bigger meaning. Albie is not here to live, and he would would so so love to be. But I am. So I must do it…I must live this life as tough as it is sometimes. Because there’s work to be done.
Check out under ‘Albie’s gifts’ on the menu for what I think matters now. It’s very different from what mattered to me before. Everything is different now.
I have to get to know myself again, me as a grieving mum, but also still me. The assumptions that we should be crying all the time or vis versa ‘over it’ by now can make getting to me a bit of a tricky task!
But I’ve very quickly realised their is no guide book, or rule book…I’m not even convinced I believe in the ‘stages of grief’ that are proven.
I just see a messy mass. Sometimes it’s beautiful (these kids definitely help) and sometimes it’s not (missing a kid never helps).
But it’s real and it’s life now so I’m just trying to go with it and believe the saying that there’s no ‘bad’ feelings or thoughts.
I’m just trying to a good mum…including to Albie.
