What I needed

Two years ago today was Albie’s funeral.

Some parts of the day I don’t remember at all, some parts I remember so clearly. 

We were picked up by our funeral directors from our house.

As we were going to get in the long black car a lady walking her dog stopped to let us pass first. I had passed her most days on our morning walks. She’d never talk or smile or look at the little ones despite them beaming at that yappy dog…that’s ok…maybe she’d been going through a tough time too, I get it. 

But on that morning she stopped, caught my eye and gave a very small yet very kind smile, she knew we were heading to something we needed all the support we could to survive it. Even just a strangers smile. We’ve passed each other most days since, I’m actually comforted that her rudeness has returned. 

She’d already done what I needed.

As we sat in that big room I knew there were a lot of people behind me but I was only aware of a few. Caden and Jacob were by me. They’d been so brave standing with their dad and greeting everyone. But in that room they really cried. I didn’t think it would have been possible but it broke my heart even more, they’d lost their brother.

But at just 12 and 15 years old some of their  friends had came to support them, how very very brave of those young boys to do that. I remember Caden coming to me as we were all at the gathering afterwards saying one of these friends was asking if he fancied the cinema later, he did, he smiled. 

They’d done what I needed.

I spoke at Albie’s funeral. I actually for the first time recently re read what I said, I was not really that good. But how could I say in a few minutes how madly in love with Albie I am and how I will miss him for the rest of my life. I thought standing up and talking to this room full of people would be the hardest thing. I thought finding the perfect words would be the hardest thing. But it wasn’t. It was when I finished saying what I had to say and it was time for me to take my seat. I had been standing next to Albie and then I had to walk away from him for the final time. I thought my legs may fail me. But we’d chosen the next song to be ‘Ronan’ by Taylor swift. Me and Albie’s favourite singer.  I heard the cords start and somehow made it the few feet back to my seat, I wanted to think of him for that song. 

It had done what I needed.

And at the very end the funeral directors came to the front and bowed to Albie. A gesture that showed such respect for this little one year old, how did they know he was so very kind and wonderful and therefore so deserving of such respect and honour. Maybe they could tell by seeing how loved he was. Or maybe it’s because everyone’s really deserving of that respect. I don’t know. Those three funeral directors doing that in that moment though…

that was what I needed.

See all these things may seem small. Those who did them probably do not even remember it let alone realise how engraved  in my memory it is. They helped me survive a day that seemed unsurvivable. The day I had to say goodbye to my boy. 

They’d all done what I needed.

And Albie…I am of course not forgetting you! You not only made it bearable you made it special and wonderful because that’s what you are. And we got to show off a whole 8 minutes of you. And that’s something I’ll always enjoy doing.

It was tough remembering that day today…is that why you sent the Fun Fair to town to help? It was fun, you always know what I need, thank you baby.