Rainbows without a storm

Rainbow baby 🌈 that’s what they call a baby after loss. But with that rainbow came for a whirlwind of worries.

Not just in the obvious ways I expected to worry like are they healthy? Are they well? Are they breathing?

But in ways I never had even considered til baby Bhodi came into the world and along with all the love came so many new thoughts I’d not even seen coming…

Is Bhodi getting a lesser version of me as a mum now I’m heartbroken? I hope I’m good enough for him.

Is Albie watching us from above jealous of all the cuddles and kisses I’m giving his baby brother? I hope he knows I’d give anything to be kissing them both, each of them would fit perfectly together on my lap bouncing on a knee each. 

Does Albie think we’re happy without him, does he think we’ve moved on? That of course would not be possible. I’m moving nowhere from him ever. 

But unexpected as they were all these worries came to me, some still do. 

I was lucky though to have a bit of a super woman midwife who I’d shared with that to me Bhodi is a gift from Albie. 

She said in a few words exactly what I needed to hear. 

‘Albie would want to see you loving the gift he picked for you and sent you, he would be so happy to see you love his gift’

That helped a lot.

I do truely believe Albie hand picked Bhodi for us. Down to his very cute chubby legs, lovingly exhausting clinginess (he must have knew I needed lots of hugs and to be kept busy) and even the fact he has a little snore as he sleeps giving me reassurance he’s happy and well.  

I love his gift, I love Bhodi, and that does not take away or replace my love for Albie- my other baby who should be bouncing on my knee. 

So I will do my very best to be the mum Bhodi and all the boys deserve, they’ll keep my broken heart pieces in place. 

‘And Albie…please know this, I love your gift, and I love you so much for sending him.

Bhodi Albie McKenzie.

Your in his name, your in a sparkle in his eyes, and goodness the amount he hears about how wonderful you were you are firmly in his heart. 

You’re an incredible big brother kiddo

Milo does ask though if possible could you keep sending us feathers and butterflies…but no more babies!! 😅❤️’

Bhodi is our rainbow baby, but Albie was never a storm, he is the sun.🌈☀️