Is it wrong for it still to be beautiful?

It’s a beautiful day here Albie,

The sun is shining and you can feel the heat when you step out the door.

The gardens looking so nice after dad did it all up, I’m hoping I’ll maybe get a water fountain for my birthday. You know how much I love water.

The boys are all bronze and their hair is that little bit more sun kissed (Caden’s is from a bottle🤭)

Even strangers all seem happier on their walks and smile and let the little ones say hi to their dogs.

But isn’t that all wrong?

After something as awful and world shaking as you dying surly the world cannot continue to be beautiful.

My walks should be through dark bare trees and houses should look like those old haunted buildings you see in films. 

People shouldn’t be smiling, they should avoid my eyes and if words are exchanged they would certainly not be filled with kindness.

Perhaps the boys should be acting out, pushing all the boundaries and feeling resentment to me for not being able to save you. 

Isn’t that how it should be now? Wouldn’t life be easier this way without the need to find the strength to smile? Surely my whole life now should be so ugly, not at all beautiful.

But you know what Albie, let me tell you something that’s a bit scary to admit as the mum guilt is so strong. 

I can still see it- the beauty. I can still enjoy the boysbeing great, getting to wear sandles and a toastie with a friend. 

And it’s not because I don’t miss you or love you because I do more than I can ever explain. It’s not because I’m not broken inside in more ways than just my heart, but my spirit, and my soul too.

It’s simply because it is still a beautiful world.

The world did not do you or us wrong, theres no one I can shout at and blame for us losing you. 

SUDC wouldn’t listen even if I could scream at the top of my voice.

Perhaps having someone to hate would be easier…probably not, there is no ‘easier way’ to lose your child. 

The really ugly thing though is this…

that you, precious little you, are not here to see this beautiful world. Because you would have loved it, just like I do. 

So I’ll keep enjoying this summers day and walking in the light as much as I can, cause you don’t get to, so for me not to would be a complete disservice to the incredible legacy you’ve left me with.

You are my summers day Albie, you’re beautiful.

Get to bed now kid, I hope someone’s reading you a good story, I bet you keep choosing the Gruffalo.

Love you millions

Mum 

Xxx