Always in my heart (and in my to do list)

‘Please be patient with me. You see, I lost my baby. And while it might seem like a long time to you, for me, it’s every single day.’

It’s almost been two years and four months since Albie left.

Sometimes I feel like it was just a moment ago, as if I am stuck in time reliving that morning.

And sometimes when I think of everyday life with him it feels so long ago, a distant dreamy hazy at times memory. 

Albie was only here for a year.

One little year that can pass in a flash in any circumstance…a year of school, a year of maternity leave, a year of 4 seasons all blending into one, a year of New Year’s resolutions that never quite get achieved. 

They all pass so fast. 

Our time with Albie was not long enough, it never could’ve been. We wanted forever.

It was not enough time to show him all the things like circuses and lions and snowmen. It was not enough time to tell him how planes manage to stay in the air or how fish breathe under water or the really important stuff like how to make the perfect chocolate milkshake. 

But strangely I don’t feel my time with Albie was fast. It doesn’t feel like it was just a year.

And I think maybe that’s because we are still very much together. 

Not just in a way I hold him safely and with huge love in my heart. I’ve such admiration for parents who are able to do that, just quietly carrying and loving their child they lost, how incredibly brave they are.

I’m not there yet. To be honest I don’t think I’ll ever get there.

I need the ‘stuff’. 

I need to write and talk about him to anyone that’ll listen.

I need to fundraise so smiles can happen because of him.

I need to push for change because I know about the pain and now that I know about it, I just can’t turn a blind eye to it.

I need to hear milo say each night say ‘hope you dream of Albie!’.

I need to have his things around the house that he was once his home.

I need to have parts of my day full with ‘Albie jobs’, he literally has his own list!

I need to say his name.

I need to see it.

I need to hear it. 

Sometimes I wonder if that’s actually ok? After the one year anniversary I thought to myself ‘hmm maybe I should stop everything now and just quietly love him.’ 

But quite frankly…I don’t want to.

I want to scream how loved he is and how much of a difference he’s made to me and hopefully one day to others from the roof tops.

Just like I do with all the boys.

Because at the end of the day I’m just a mum who’s proud of ALL her kids. Albie being one of them💙

Plus it helps me. So in this really hard, sad life, surely anything that helps can’t be bad?

He was only here for a year. 

But it wasn’t just a year…it was the year that  I met him, the most defining person in my whole life.

So here I am, two years a 4 months on from when we lost our boy, yet somehow we are still living with him everyday. It didn’t feel like a year because our bond didn’t break at the end of that year, at the end of Albies life.

We’re together, and I hope in some way we always are. 

Even if it’s not snuggled up watching CBeebies like I so wish it could be.

Albie will always have huge a place in my heart and my soul…and a lot of lovely points on my to do list!