Feels cold, feels dark

It’s so dark outside. So cold.

I’ve never minded before. 

I like dark nights, closing the curtains and getting all cosy.  Getting out the brushed cotton duvet set and long sleeve pjs.

I like the crisp feeling of cold mornings and how pritty everything looks all frosty and how cute your brothers look in their hats. 

But then yesterday I thought of you.

That’s no difference, I always do. 

Usually though my mind is kind and lets me picture you somewhere soft and warm where everything is pastel colours and you are surrounded by love.

Yesterday I didn’t. Yesterday it hit me. Yesterday I panicked. 

You don’t like the dark, you always liked your night light on. 

I don’t even think we went out in the dark much, we were too busy watching the bedtime hour on CBeebies.

You don’t like the cold. You never kept your mittens on. Whilst in the buggy you’d always find a way to get them off then you’d get all sad as your hands turned pink with the cold. You didn’t understand all you had to do was keep them tucked in, you wanted to point out all the buses. 

When we’d get home I’d hold them in my hand til they’d go warm again. 

I did that with you at the funeral home too. 

It must have taken almost an hour but your little cold cold hand turned cosy again, I’d held it so tightly for so long.

I didn’t want to let it go. To let you go. 

I didn’t want you cold.

This season seems harsh just now. 

Tell me it doesn’t feel that for you?

Tell me the sky that you’re in isn’t all dark?

Tell me it’s not cold up there? 

Tell me you are not alone?

Please tell me you are not afraid Albie?

It’s weird as even though I’m struggling with this coldness I almost want to stay outside, under the sky, closer to you. 

I don’t care if I shiver, I’ll warm up again.

Hold hands?