Just look at the sparkly lights

Tricky one to write, I wondered if I should share it not wanting to make others uncomfortable. But fear I think is even worse when kept hidden. But if anyone has feelings or knowledge even on this I so love to hear it. 💙💙

My darling boy,

I hope you were not scared, that night, I hope you were not afraid at all.

I hope you seen sparkly lights that somehow blended into the ones fitted above our bed- two world blending together. See there is no here and there when it comes to me and you. 

I hope you heard my heart beating as I lay next to you, strong and full of love. Even after your little heart stopped beating I hope heard mine somehow. Beating for both of us.

I hope you felt warm and snug and so so safe with that lovely sleepy feeling that comes after a busy day when you know you can then rest. So sleepy and heavy eyed. That’s all this is darling, a long sleep where your dreams are your reality and though your eyes stay closed you somehow see the whole world and all the stars surrounding it.

I hope you never feel alone. Im sure you’re auntie Kerri was not just waiting for you-you’re too little to go anywhere alone-but came and scooped you into her comfy cosy arms and sang ‘you are my sunshine’ just as she did to your big brother when he was afraid of the fireworks. She covered his ear so he wouldn’t hear the big bangs. She’ll have known what you needed to feel ok too.

I hope you know you are so so loved and whilst I like to imagine that you are happy and safe and busy flying round causing mischief, I know really…you’d much rather have stayed right here. With us. Where you belong.

But god I just really hope you were not scared my little Albie. 

And whilst I say to all you boys all the time ‘don’t be scared’ or even say it to myself about new ventures and pushing comfort zones. The truth is this…the thought that maybe you were scared, that your little head and heart felt anything but peace.

That scares me every single day. And not in a way it can be faced or conquered. 

It’s not just that I’m scared, I’m terrified.

And I’m not sure anything will ever stop that.

But that’s ok, it’s my job to worry, it’s what we mums do!

But listen to me little one….I’ll do the worrying, I’ll feel the fear- you darling…you have nothing at all to be scared about and no need to feel any sort of worry or pain. 

For you are loved beyond measure. And that love that while I so wished could have saved you  needs to step up and shield you from anything scary.

So never be scared Albie, if you were and I so hope you weren’t, let me feel all that fear now.

You go look at how pretty those sparkly lights are sweetie. 

Love

Mum

Xxx