I didn’t say it, but I felt it

Hey Albie

How are you kiddo? We might be having a storm tonight! I wonder how it feels in the clouds when it’s rainy and windy here. I imagine it’s always nice, always calm.

There’s lots I’ve been wanting to say to you recently. I try and say it all in my head, I hope you’ve can hear it still?
I worry that when you were here I didn’t tell you enough how incredible you were, you are.
How even when you were crying with sore gums (those teeth never did come through) or opening and emptying the pan cupboard all day long, that there’s no where else I’d rather be than with you and your brothers.
Being you boys mum, how lucky can one girl be.

But I worry I didn’t realise that til you were gone, til I seen how precious and fleeting life can be. One day I choosing which cereal you’d like from the super market-Cheerios or Weetabix.
Just a short few days later I was choosing your coffin.

This week I heard that a lady had passed away. I didn’t actually know her very well at all but she was kind to yourself brother Jacob. Throughout Covid he’d get so excited as he got a message saying how her horse was doing. She helped him smile lots.
And for that I’m so grateful, I wish I’d told her that.

See we always think there’s so much time to say it all. Or maybe we think there’s no need to say things-maybe there’s not-wonderful people like you and her don’t do it for thanks.

I have learnt so much from you, one of which is I don’t think there’s ever a need to be shy to be kind. Not say something just because you feel awkward or you think it doesn’t matter to them. They deserve to hear it. You, you deserved to hear it.
You gave your love and smiles so freely making this world even brighter.

I tell your brothers all the time now how fab they are. How smart and handsome and funny and loved they are. They usually just cringe! But I hope it’s stored away in their mind so that when they doubt themselves, which sadly I know at some point they probably will, they’ll hear my annoying mum voice telling them they are nothing short of greatness.

I didn’t say to all of that enough, or how lucky I felt. As I said I’m not even sure if I realised it consciously back then.
But I know I felt it Albie.
The joy of days with you all, playing on the rug and making mountains of pasta for you hungry lot.
And I’m sure you felt it too, I so hope you did, not in words…but in hugs, yummy food, laughs and all the kisses.

I’m sure that lady did too, in all those happy faces she created. So if you see her in the sky sometime (she’ll be the one with the warmest of smiles) give a hug and a big thanks from me.
And maybe she’ll even tell you about her horse.

Love mum xxxx