BLAW…who’s it for?

Today marks the first day of Baby Loss Awareness week (BLAW).

My third one. I actually had to double check that in my head to be sure as it seems impossible that three Octobers have passed without him in it.

Over the years we’ve lit up buildings blue and pink, fundraised and wore our pin badge almost with pride. Same this year.

But to be honest…I’m not sure I really get it.
I don’t really understand why on this week of the year my news feed is full of posts stating it’s BLAW. I don’t know why we wear that little ribbon on our jackets. I don’t know why I would feel any different this week than any other week when asked often ‘how are you finding BLAW?’

See I think those of us who have lost a baby- we are already very aware!
No campaign needed.
Aware of the emptiness it brings when you don’t have that baby here to sing to. And of the longing feeling as you desperately crave to watch their life play out-filled with fun and adventure, yet you only can in your dreams. And of all the other messy emotions that can be squeezed into a head and heart even when it feels there is no space left.
Why would I feel differently because it’s the 8th of October?

All of that makes me think surely I’m not the target market for BLAW?
This needs to be appearing on the feeds of those oblivious to it, those who have no reason to follow the pages of those charities and organisations spreading the word.
Those who have never had to light a candle at a particular time.
Those who possibly just look at a lit up building and just think how pretty it looks.
I myself had never heard of BLAW before I was living it.
I was unaware.

Then I thought are we the ones who need to spread the word?
Tell our work places, explain to the stranger in the shop what that badge means,
Let others know all about baby loss?

But here’s the thing… I’m just not sure I want others to be aware.
I’m glad they don’t know what it feels like to almost be unable to book a dinner reservation any more. To say it’s for 6 people when it should be for 7. How could anyone guess such a simple task could almost break a person.
As irritating -and at times hurtful- as it is when someone says the ‘wrong’ thing or says nothing…I actually like that people don’t always get it.
I like that they don’t understand.
I don’t want them to.
I get some comfort in knowing others are shielded from this pain, not exposed to it. Not aware of it.

I want people to kiss their kids goodnight and feel happy to rush back downstairs to watch the next episode of their show…not feeling the need to linger and watch their child’s chest rise up and down all evening like I do.

I want people to enjoy their pregnancies and rest when the babies not kicking you in ribs for once…not feeling the need to call triage almost daily like I was during my pregnancy with Bhodi.

I want people to enjoy their children, their lives. Take it all for granted even!
Instead of always feeling on edge, like at any given moment all these amazing things, amazing people, could be ripped away…like I do.

I don’t want others to feel any of this, or be reminded everytime they see a ribbon pin that life is so so fragile. I sort of want them to just have a good day, not a day filled with fear.
I wish I could go back to being blissfully unaware of it too.

But then I asked a very smart lady who’s far more with it and less of a confused tired mess than I am. (It’s 2am as I write this so apologies for rambling/spelling/making even less sense than usual!).
And from just her 4 minute voice note I think I finally get it a bit.

BLAW is to say to those parents who are so aware already that the world sees you.
It’s not telling us to be aware but instead saying these charities and organisations and strangers dressed in pink and blue are aware and that they care.
BLAW isn’t to make others feel pain, it’s to ease pain of those who already feel it.

So what would I want people to be aware of?
(I know this whole post may seem like a huge contradiction as I literally share the pain with you on here! But I hope you only feel it as you read my words, and finish reading maybe with a smile.)
I don’t need people to have certain chats with me, or say things certain ways, or tip toe round me. I don’t big gestures or flowers on anniversaries or invites out to stay distracted.
I just ask this one thing…will you say his name? Because in all honestly hearing it be said sounds like the greatest masterpiece of music ever written…It will never be the ‘wrong’ thing to say.
How could it be, it’s the name of my son.
💙Albie.💙

And I hope when the blissfully unaware people see a lit up building this BLAW, that they do just think how beautiful it is…cause whether they realise it or not it’s our babies that continue to bring that beauty into the world.

So next Wednesday on the 15th at 7pm I’ll join the rest of this community in the world in lighting a candle.
But on Baby Loss Awareness Week at that moment I have a feeling the loss will be a sort of side topic.
We’ll all just be loving our babies.
Just like we do every hour of every day.

Picture of Albie on the 15th of October 2022…my blissfully unaware era of BLAW