The other day I was driving Milo and his friend home. There was lots of normal kid chat going on about the funny/crazy/scary blow up skeleton decoration someone had in their garden. Bit early for Halloween in my option my hey, made them laugh!

Then Milo my beautiful, innocent, smart little five year old out of nowhere said this…
‘You know when people are big big they do die. That’s ok as long as you’ve done all your favorite things like parks, and You Tube, and playing with your friends and being a train driver or an aeroplane driver and more you tube. It’s not that bad to die if you’ve done all your favorites’

I had nothing to add. Whilst I’m proud he’s so damn wise in many ways I can’t help but worry- have I done this wrong?

The advice when supporting children through grief is to be factual and frank.
I’m not sure I am.

Only yesterday Bhodi was being super cheeky making us all laugh and Milo shouts out ‘Thanks Albie! You picked a good baby for us’
And upon hearing the Polar Bear at the wildlife park has passed away Milos reply was ‘that’s great Albie has a bear now’

Milo misses him. Everyday.
He seen more sadness in this home than any five year old should.
But he also feels happy about lots of the ‘after Albie’ stuff.
Of course I want him happy, but I wonder if I’ve emphasised enough how sad and final death is.
How someone dying is the most awful thing that can happen.
How we are broken and will never be the same again.
How no joy should come hand in hand with such a loss.
Should I instead of telling him his little brother is on a big twirly slide in the sky tell him he’s in that silver vase that sits in the living room every day?

I’m not sure why the experts to say to be so factual, I guess to avoid confusion.
I just don’t think I’m strong enough to do it yet.
Milo was only two and a half when Albie died and as much as it pains me to think it -many of his real memories of Albie will fade.
And if I were to go with the narrative that’s he’s simply gone- well their journey as brothers would be over and there would be no more memories to make.

Yet with this version…the gifts he sends us, the good he makes happen, the way we can look up at moon and know he’s looking at it too.
That way they get to keep on memory making forever. As brothers should.

There is no good that came from Albie dying. Perhaps though there is always good to be found in a bond between brothers. Even if it’s just a cold morning before school suddenly being made awsome as a robin sat on the trampoline.

So I’m not going to say ‘he’s gone’… not just because it’s hard for me, not even just to be kind and shield my children….but because I don’t believe it’s true.

And for what it’s worth I think Milos right, we should all just do all our favourite things before we’re big big.
Oh how we are the lucky ones to be able to do that.
Before we go and party in the sky.

(But Milo you are still not getting to watch endless YouTube Tube!)