Waterloo Road

A few nights ago I watched an episode of Waterloo Road. I’ve been hooked on that show for years. Angela Griffin as head teacher was tv gold in my opinion.

I thought I was in for another treat of teenager and teacher drama.

I thought wrong.

This particular episode featured a 13 year old girl, she ate a cake that she was allergic to and she died. 

We the viewers seen it all…the CPR, the decision to stop, then the pure agony felt by her family as they were told then had to tell others.

I felt kind of shaken, as if I had just been on a terrifying ride at a fair that I didn’t enjoy or like I’d been hurt and your body does that shock panic thing til it makes sure you’re ok.

I felt trauma that must have been bubbling away waiting to find a way into my system, into my soul.

Afterwards I thought how silly I was to feel such strong emotion for a show. To cry for this fictional teen with a dairy allergy.

So why am I so triggered?

I’ve thought about it most the week, I’ve watched the episode again (goodness knows why but I just had to, to see if maybe I’d totally overreacted, or maybe I’m just a sucker for punishment) and I’ve came to this conclusion…

Those actors showed the pain of grief as the all consuming essence that can take over your body. It’s raw and it’s hard to watch.

It was in your face- emotions filled their words, faces and ways they fell to the floor.

I was shocked and wondered how anyone could possibly bear that. For their child to go to be healthy and then to be gone.

I shouldn’t be shocked, I shouldn’t wonder…I live it. I was watching a show mirroring many parts of the worst day of our lives. 

Yet when I live this life without him I don’t always show the pain those actors did. Even very early on I was just being swept along by all the processes, the complete confusion and a state of utter shell shock. 

I’m not even sure I felt it all..could any human heart handle to do so?

There’s just one part now looking back I’m so stuck on in our story, now I’ve seen it in another. That new trauma feeling I mentioned. 

How did I walk out the hospital, leaving Albie behind- somewhere cold, and alone. 

Now I just can’t comprehend how I placed one foot infront of the other let alone do so without the whole world hearing my cries.

But I did it, quietly and slowly. 

How interesting to only be really realising this now. How did something as trivial as TV make me fully feel it?

As I said I’ve seldomly if ever expressed the pain like that. That’s fine. I know to never compare grief (especially with fictional characters!) 

Yet how they acted…that is so often how all those enormous emotions feel inside. 

Like I am that lady in the show screaming and shaking and struggling to breathe…all whilst I calmly walk round Tesco. 

The episode didn’t portray it wrongly in my opinion, they got it spot on, it was a true validation that this is beyond hard.

Just those very talented actors and writers who bravely took on this topic…they were able to show it. 

And while I’m sure the episode was made simply to pull in viewers, what they’ve done is given everyone a glimpse into what can be going on-for a parent without their child-pushing that shopping trolly…putting one foot in front of the other.