When working hard isn’t enough

‘Work hard’
‘Aim high’
‘Never give up’

That’s what we’re always told. It’s what I always say to my boys, even more so- it’s what I constantly say to myself.

When working full time I’d wake up at 4am so I could study before the kids woke up so I could gain my degree.
When going for jobs I’d prepare and try to pre empt every interview question I could be asked. I wasn’t even put off if I didn’t get it, I seen it as a step to getting to something better.
When making pasta sauce I challenge myself to see how many veggies can be sneaked in without these kids knowing (my record is 11). No one tell the boys!
And when each season comes I try to create all the magic…travel in the rain to pick pumpkins, cut out snow flakes for hours or blow up balloons til the point I feel faint just to know when the birthday boy that day will smile upon wakening.

It works.
I work hard and in all honesty…most the time I get what I want.
The degree, the job, the smiling healthy kids. I succeed in what I want to do.

But with Albie, well the fact you’re reading this on here it’s evident…I failed.

I feel like I didn’t get the chance to try hard, put in the hours and energy needed to save him.

Sometimes I wonder if I’d known could I have saved him?
If there was anything within him to ‘fix’, God I would have went to the ends of the earth to do so.
I’d have fundraised to fly him to other countries for treatment.
I’d have talked my way to the top of every specialist doctor’s list telling them just how much we need our boy.
I’d have stayed awake and alert all the hours ready to react.

Yes (and I’m aware it sounds arrogent) but I recon I could have done it.
If I’d known I think I’d have saved him.

Maybe that’s unrealistic, if work were all it took to save poorly little ones of course every parent would do what it takes, and the kids would all be watching CBeebies at home with their super star mums and dads. But you can’t save someone with love sadly.

But oh how I wish I could have tried. To know I gave it my all and fought with everything I have for his little- yet huge – heart to keep beating.
I really wish I didn’t just sleep through it.

My brain is so hard wired into the belief of ‘work hard-get results’ that losing Albie the way we did not only broke me, it broke my whole belief system. It broke my faith in me!

And I do not say this to be self pitying or to wallow in sadness. It’s simply to note that no matter how hard I work-however many to do lists I complete-I’ll never be done.
It’ll never be enough.

Only him -in my arms -would be enough.

I would have done good work.

And do you do when you have a job on your list that you need to do? You keep it on there til it’s done. You aim high, and you never give up…
‘See you one day for that hug Albie? Can’t wait sweet one’