Halloween with and without you

Hey Albie 💙

Do you know yesterday was Halloween? 

I hope you do. I hope you still get endless gummy sweets and the occasional orange to enjoy in the sky. Did you carve a pumpkin? I wonder who helped you.

We had such a good day, we squeezed in a Moo Music session (you’d have loved it, they played all the songs that make me sweat while you get lifted up and down and all around!) a party with friends, then trick or treating.

It didn’t really hit me til walking home – after knocking on doors for two hours –  how much I missed you, how different life could be if you were still in it.

Usually when I get that bolt of sadness or feeling of how unfair this all is I fight it. 

But this time I could see it so clearly. It wasn’t just a feeling, it was all there in front of me. 

You running on ahead, wispy hair like Jacob’s was at three, and legs much longer than when I last seen you.

I don’t let myself spend time in that world of make believe, sometimes I can’t even get there, sometimes I wonder if it’s not a ‘healthy’ thing to do…on this occasion it was easy, I couldn’t resist. 

When everything was done – no children needing me and all washing hung up to dry over night – I let my mind wander. 

Get lost in a fantasy land so vivid I could hear each word you spoke, even feel the softness of your fleecy Bluey pyjamas. 

I let myself spend Halloween with you. 

You were dressed as a little vampire. You even had some of Caden’s fake blood on! 

I didn’t tell you, but with those big eyes and smile that was all covered in chocolate, you could never look scary. 

Your bag was full to the brim of sweets! I don’t think you told a single joke, maybe you felt a bit shy. That’s ok, you did a very good job of doing big knocks on the doors and always said thank you.

Your favourite was the house where we got the balloon, you thought it looked like the moon, you were right, it did.  (Bhodi was determined to steal it from you, cheeky little brother)

We get home and you so carefully opened each of the bags, inspecting each sweet with amazement and excitement. You were very keen to try a lollipop never having been allowed before as dad’s always nervous of them.

You and Milo went to bed at the same time, chatting away to each other about how cool that house with the tunnel was. 

Just as I thought you were drifting off to sleep you hold my hand and whisper to me that you actually were a bit scared of the skeleton in one of the gardens. 

I hug you tight and whisper back ‘close your eyes, go to sleep, and dream of all the fun things we’ll do tomorrow’

Your eyes closed but your mouth was still in a tiny smile, your eyes flickered, dreaming of the next day and all the sweets you’ll eat. 

We held hands for so long. Both feeling safe. No reason to be scared. 

It was wonderful to Trick or Treat with you Albie. 

So how about it kid, maybe we could meet there sometimes? 

In the bit between fantasy and dreams, where we are together, if only in my mind.

Because as I said, we all had such a good day.

Love you little vampire

Mum

Xxx