Choosing to live, and eat

It’s hard not to revert back to what I know so well. A time when I had complete control, when satisfaction could be achieved hourly and when targets were there to be hit.

A time when the complements came flowing in and your mind is so fully focused there’s no space for anything else.

A moment when I felt strong and powerful and in complete control.

Why would I not revert back to my eating disorder when it has so many perks?

Now that my life has spiralled out of my control in the worst of ways – I’ve lost my child – why would I not want to take back the driving seat on my life.

But it comes at a price…

I know what it feels like to lie in bed so hungry you search through online take away menus dreaming of what I’d eat.

I know what it feels like to step on the scales each morning and that number determine the day.

I know how uncomfortable it is to wear a piece of string tied tightly around your waste  to your target size, each breath hurts.

I know what it feels like to get satisfaction from fainting or shaking or being unable to stay warm even when in the warmest of rooms.

I know that lying to everyone can become so easy to do. ‘I ate at work’, ‘I’ve a stomach aches’ ‘no i don’t know where the 6 pack of doughnuts has gone’

And I know what it feels like to fail.

Because when the aim is to not eat of course eventually we must fail. 

And fail I did. 

That survival instinct kicks in, my body so desperate for nourishment I’d inhale the food so quickly. It didn’t matter what it was, plain bread, peanut butter, uncooked pasta. Everything was fast.

Everything was frantic.

Nothing was sensible.

So why is it that I still feel a pull to my eating disorder almost every single day? 

There are perks but they are lies. I see that now.

Nobody truely in control would take laxatives like m&ms or run the stairs 30 times for one cracker.

But mainly I cannot go back to that dear friend and frightful foe because of this, maybe I won’t fail. 

Maybe I’ll achieve the goal of not eating and slowly just slip away one pound at a time. 10 stone would become 8 then 6 then less til there is nothing at all left.

And that would be a complete disservice to my child who would have loved to live.

That’s why each day, each meal and each snack, I do it.

because I’m choosing life. 

For both of us.