Am I sick?

This morning I woke up and thought I was sick. My body aches, I feel unusually tired still and I’m all breathless. I lay in bed thinking of what I’d need to feel better (I’m a bit of a fixer)-paracetamol or ibuprofen or maybe some sugar? Then I recognised the heaviest of weights on my chest. I’m not ill, I’m grieving, I always am but today I’m grieving hard.

I should have expected it, on Monday Bhodi will be the exact age Albie was when he died. Tomorrow night would be the last time I’d tuck Albie into bed. Bedtime tomorrow feels a bit impossible.

I actually thought I was OK though. I thought all my fears and worries would be towards Bhodi and keeping him safe on Sunday night, making sure that on Monday I get to pick him up and say ‘good morning Bhodi bear!’ ready to start our day and continue what will be his very long wonderful life. Which I’m so happy about.

Buts it’s confusing. It’s a lot.

I thought it would be a tricky milestone to get through, to conquer even – I didn’t anticipate it would actually signify the end of things too.

There will be no more super cute constant reminders of all the fun had before, now the fun will continue of course but it won’t remind me of Albie. It’ll show me what he’s missing.

I guess it’s another part of life passing by, I don’t want Albie left behind. I remember watching a show on CBBC as a kid- ‘Bernard’s watch’. He could pause time. So often I’ve wished I had Bernard’s watch. To stay closer to Albie somehow.

I don’t even know if after Monday Albie is Bhodi’s big brother or little brother? I shouldn’t have to decide what to say for that, all the kids should be staying exactly where they should be…growing into bigger shoes and changing their bedroom arrangements based on who’s most willing to share with a brother. All growing up.
Never having to figure out where Albie fits. He’d have loved to share a room…we could have built a triple a bunk bed 😍

I feel total joy and happiness that Bhodi is growing up and utter sadness that Albie never got to.
And I know it’s just a day, but it’s a hard day.

So I guess we’ll go to hobby craft to see if we can get a big cardboard house to colour in, I’ll drop Jacob on his first day of work, maybe we’ll visit Eoin and Caden at McDonald’s and eat try the new ice cream.
‘High functioning heart break’ I think is a suitable name for what I do!

And then at night when everyone’s sleeping or doing their own teenage thing I’ll let all the grief in, let my heart be shattered and think of all the things I’d love to be doing with my boy who’s not in his room. He should be in his room.

Paracetamol won’t help me get through til then…but maybe a day of the kids doing this amazing amazing thing of growing up…being part of that is the medicine I need.

‘’Oh and Albie…I’ll eat a smarties McFlurry for us, you loved all the colours and I love you ❤️’’

Pic- Albie at this very age Bhodi is today, he was happy he got a sticker