Can you do me a favor Albie? Please.

Hey sweetie,

Can you believe your little brother is as big as you now?
I know you have birthdays each year and officially are a big three year old now but I aways think of you as your little toothless, hair that’s barely there, smiley baby self. I also randomly always think of you in a white baby grow that’s messy from you eating all the wotsits…trust the messiest crisps ever to be your favorites!

Do you remember this day when you were Bhodi’s age? It was your last day with us.
I didn’t know that of course, if I had I would have made it the most special wonderful day ever. Although in reality I would have actually spent the day hunting down all the best doctors in the world to make sure we saved you. I wouldn’t have gone to sleep at night if I’d known you’d need me so badly. I would be ready to not let SUDC claim you as another of its victims.
I would save you.

But we didn’t know. So it was just a normal everyday day.
I left really early as I had my biology exam in Elgin, you were still eating your weetabix but gave the best good luck waves. I resisted a hug not wanting to be covered in breakfast all day…I should have hugged you anyway, how silly I was to care about my T-shirt staying clean.
Dad was taking you and Milo to nursery and you went on the bus! You’d never been on a bus before and found it very exciting. I wonder if the driver gave you a big smile when he seen your excitement, maybe not, he’d not have know important that bus trip was…your last ‘first’.
You had a good day at nursery, as always. Your teachers said you’d been ‘banging pots and pans and exploring the home corner’. You had fajitas for lunch which you thought were super yummy.
Then remember we all came to pick you up…me, dad and all your brothers. I can’t remember why we all went, we never had before. We must have looked funny all 6 of us piling into the baby room. I’m glad we did. You gave us such a big smile from the play dough table when you seen us all. You were happy Albie.
We all went home and had a take away to celebrate the end of my studies, you got a slice of pizza and stole lots of my chips and cheese. Not very healthy I know…shhh don’t tell your health visitor😉 We all ate together, not even with knifes and forks or plates, just fun. I’m pleased now that we didn’t waste time on washing up.
Me and you were so tired so went to bed together at 6.45pm, you giggled trying to grab onto the new fairy lights we had above the bed. We’d only got them put up that week and that’s the first time they were on. That’s now the only time they’ve been on.
I don’t want to look at them without you.
Then we did big hugs and kisses and I, like every other bedtime, told you how loved you were. I hope you remember that bit kid? That’s the really important bit.
You woke up for a bottle at midnight that dad gave you. Dad and I always say we wish we had babies that would sleep through the night (none of you boys did!) but really there’s something special about a quiet, midnight cuddle as the rest of the world sleeps. I’m glad you woke up and had that cuddle with dad, maybe you knew he’d need that.
Then you went to sleep. Nice and full of milk, with an image of sparkling fairy lights and the words of how loved you are echoing in your ears.
You fell asleep forever.

It’s not what I would have done if I’d known it was your last day, but I think maybe you still had an OK day?

Bhodi has a good day today too darling, we played on the new swing set and blew bubbles for ages, all of us. He got some He’s tucked up in bed now, at strangely the same time you went to bed. I gave him an extra big hug and nuzzled my face into his sleeping bag as we sang twinkle twinkle. I didn’t want him to see all my my tears.

Both my boys 1 year and 2 weeks old.
How strange that that’s possible.

But Albie…I need to ask you a favor…do you think you can do your very important big brother duties tonight, keep an eye on Bhodi, keep him safe. Please.
I feel a wave of panic you see, even though I know is irrational I could do with a little bit of your help just to make sure he’s ok.

Then in the morning I’ll pick him up, kiss him all over and let him know how incredibly lucky he is-how lucky we all are-to be waking up and living these normal everyday days.

And to have you, our Albie in the sky.